Thoughts from 30,000 ft

Sometimes it takes going way up into the sky to be able to go down deep into your soul for a little peace and understanding.

As I sit on the Boeing 747 looking out onto the vastness of the Pacific Ocean, I can’t help but reflect on the events of recent, specifically Johnny’s death. Sitting on a Korean Air flight bound for Seoul South Korea I am the only white person, let alone the only blonde person. I feel somewhat misplaced, out of context, just as Johnny’s death did. The further away I get from home, the more surreal it becomes, and the more my grasp on reality seems to slip into what feels like a constant dreaming state.

Once again, life has shocked me. I’m OK solely because have come to feel that there is no good nor bad in life. Things just happen the way they happen. It’s when we are attached to them, have expectations, plans, or live outside the present moment that they become good and bad. This is not to say that I’ve become emotionally detached, but I have taken a step back and I can feel my perspective shifting. I still continually struggle to wrap my head around this concept of “life” but I’m beginning to learn that this is a battle not worth fighting, for it cannot be won. The concept of life cannot be understood by our human minds, vast as we may think they are, simply because the very nature of life is that it’s constantly changing. So I surrender, or as the yogis would say, “namaha.” And I focus on only this; breath in, breath out, and I feel lighter.

I have moments of missing John where my heart physically aches and feels heavy. I have other moments of obsessing over his fall, replaying every second in my head, wondering if he was afraid, if he knew in those few seconds that he was going to die, if it hurt….. Other moments I wonder, “what if?” What if I had spoken to him right before his run, what if he had landed that drop and won, what if he fell a mere two inches to the right, what if he simply broke his leg, what if he had become paralyzed. I’ve also had moments of rationalizing it, focusing on how he was happier than he had ever been in is life up there in AK, how he was one of the lucky ones to die without suffering, doing what he loved most in life, how his life may have been a short one, but it was no doubt full off passion and fun, and it’s about quality over quantity anyways right? But all of this is just an attempt to understand the un-understandable of life and death.

My thoughts surrounding Johnny’s death are no doubt affected by the fact that only three years ago I lost a best friend at the even younger age of 21. I thought young people weren’t supposed to die…?? I feel like they are looking down at me now saying, “ah grasshopper, such is the way of the world, you can never know….”
They are confusing events that are all encompassing of every human emotion and experience. More than anything, it makes me question everything; what we think we know, what is reality, why are we here. Maybe it’s as simple as this: we are here, because we are. That answer is very displeasing to my ego. Yet at the same time, if we are simply here because we are, then everything seems kind of OK.

During these intense times of questioning and wondering I find my self drawn to the one thing that stands out as real among a very confused reality; love. Love and laughter are like the golden king and queen that stand strong, floating above a sea of rough, muddy waters. So maybe that’s another answer to the question why are we here, simply to love.

As I cruise somewhere over the middle of he Pacific Ocean I can’t help but love everything, everything from the beauty of the sun setting on the distant horizon to the few hundred snoring Asian passengers I am surrounded by at this moment. Breath in, breath out, feeling lighter.